He's wrong! Let it go...

Being conscientious about being wrong or being scared of being wrong on it's own can be tough. I also find myself wanting to correct people when I think they're wrong. I don't like that aspect of myself either. I guess part of it is I fear what would happen if a mistake goes uncorrected. I am concerned that I am responsible for saying or not saying something, as if someone might say sure, he was wrong, but you knew better and didn't say anything or you should have known better and corrected him. I also wonder if it comes from childhood. To some extent, we were encouraged by teachers to be little informants. So part of this behavior might be the desire to please authority. I also like to think that part of the impulse is the desire for the truth (big t Truth?).

Today in work, a coworker blamed another company for making a mistake. We're a smaller company, so I tend to think we're more likely to be mistaken than they are, which is a bias on my part. Also, we've seen this a couple of times recently, which would make me want to pause and make sure I was right. In other words, if something keeps coming up and my answer is usually the other party is wrong, then I start to wonder what I might be missing. Finally, I looked online, and it looked like they were right. However, this thing I am talking about is not my job. I could still be wrong. The policy my coworker put in place may just be more stringent but not incorrect. Maybe it's more correct. I kept wanting to point it out to my boss, but I questioned my motives about it. I am wondering if this is more my issue. Also, if it truly is a mistake on my coworker's part, I need to trust that my boss will see it.

So now, I am wondering if I am doing the right thing for the wrong reason, the wrong thing for the right reason, the right thing for the right reason, or the wrong thing for the wrong reason. While there is something to be said for doing the right thing when doing the right thing is difficult, there is also something to be said for not making a problem out of something that isn't a problem. There is also virtue in realizing your place and not doing something that will only cause you discord within yourself. I hope I am doing what's best and that this is helping me.

Have to be right?

This aspect bothers me, but sometimes I feel like I have to be right and will argue over silly things. I'm not sure if I am more concerned with being right or not being wrong and maybe the distinction is not important. There are things about which I am ok with admitting being mistaken and people with whom I can admit being incorrect. Tonight, I was totally ok with admitting to my brother that his wireless router might not do what I thought it could do.

I think it comes down to my feeling of trust or comfort with the person, how important I think the subject is to me, and whether I think I should know the answer. It is as if I feel like my value as a person is related to knowing and being right about things. It may be that I think I am unlovable if I am wrong. Some measure of this may come from that we're judged and graded in school on being right and knowing things and are made to feel good or bad based on the results on homework, tests, and report cards to teachers and parents. I think I have exaggerated feelings about it though.

Again, I wonder if my feelings are not nuanced enough. I think right or wrong are extremes. A person can make a mistake or be mistaken, be partially correct, or be partially incorrect. More important, there is value in being mistaken through knowing your limitations and learning new things. When someone finds out we're wrong, and not negligently so, they may be slightly disappointed, but their disappointment is usually only about the thing itself.

Finally, I think I confuse a thing I can be at the time and about a subject with who I am. I think I am not giving people enough credit in their judgements in assuming the hurt, disappointment, or taking back love/affection. I am not sure how to fix this. Maybe more communication and the right people would help me learn these lessons.

Too much want, too little time... but good?

I want to watch more movies. I have purchased quite a few books I want to read. I want to exercise more. I want to learn to play guitar. I want to play games. I want to spend some time socializing. I want to learn something else and get really good at it (something that is not my current job). I want to learn more about philosophies. I would like to be more spiritual. I'd like to learn another language, whether it be something unique like Gaelic or something widely used, like Mandarin. I would like to continue to explore music.

I think I am doing ok on reading and philosophy. I have ready Life by Keith Richards, The Catcher and the Rye by J.D. Salinger, and I am reading The Philosophy of Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Stoic Philosophy as Rational and Cognitive Psychotherapy by Donald Robertson and Hope and Help for your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. I have plenty of books queued. I am doing ok on running. I am back up to running about 5k, just not easily yet. I'd listened to the studio catalog of the band Megadeth - I really liked Countdown to Extinction, Youthanasia, and Cryptic Writings when I was younger - and now I'm listening to David Bowie and Rush.

I just don't know how to balance all of this. Some of these wants can easily be interspersed, while some need consistent effort. I should look on this as a good sign. A year or two ago, I wasn't interested in doing all that much. In that light, this is a good problem to have.

Week in Review: Jan 2 - 9

I am looking back on the week from Friday, January 2 through Friday, January 9 mainly because there were a couple of themes to the week. The first theme was I had trouble getting to sleep. On January 2, I received my Kindle Fire HDX (7") and stayed up late getting it up to date and playing with it. I had intended to go to my peer group meeting but stayed at work too late and missed it. Saturday, I spent a good portion of the morning catching up on sleep. I ran late Saturday (or early Sunday, from 11:30 PM to midnight). Sunday, I just had trouble sleeping. I am not sure if I had just reset my internal clock or was not looking forward to work. I was tired Monday, stayed at work late, and when I came home, I took a nap. I woke up from the nap with energy and couldn't get to sleep. I was stuck at work late on Tuesday and missed my Tuesday group meeting. Originally, I had planned to miss my meeting because I had to get up early for work on Wednesday for a committee meeting. To make sure I got to bed Tuesday evening, I took half an Ambien. It got me to sleep, but I think I ended up waking up a few times during the night. After getting that one night of going to bed at a decent time, I continued the pattern of leaving work late, going to bed late, and not getting as much sleep as I wanted. I wanted to go for a run Wednesday but was too tired and thought it was too cold and wet out. Friday, we went out of my brother's birthday celebration and Saturday I ran again.

The other pattern I noticed was consistently staying late at work to get things done and not being able to get done the things I intended to get done. I couldn't stay late at work on Wednesday, as I had another group meeting I had to leave work early (for me) for. We had new hires I had to do extra work for and stay late for (so that what I was doing wouldn't interrupt their training). I definitely got work accomplished, it just wasn't the work I planned on doing. Now I'm hoping the coming week goes better, is less hectic, is more ordered, and that I make more meetings. If things don't go as planned, I hope I can see to apply the right perspective to it. Viewing these tasks as things I have to do, as unpleasant interruptions, and as being forced to do something when I should be going home or sleeping is not as effective a point of view as things I am doing because I choose to do them and am making things smoother for me, my coworkers, and the company. I shouldn't view them as things that shouldn't have happened as much as opportunities to learn and be better next time. There are things we need to accept, things we can effect, and things we can change, which I tend to think of as the world in general, things in our sphere of influence, and our outlook or thoughts respectively. So working on myself provides the most benefit for the amount of effort put in, assuming the work is to the right end and the externality (thing outside the self) is harder to change or unchangeable.

Group and feelings

I go to a group on Wednesdays. Today, I brought up how Christmas and New Years was for everyone but didn't get a chance to talk about mine. Both of the other people there had difficult family issues to bring up that brought up emotions for them. I didn't. There is a more balanced and more accurate way to put this, but I was asked if I was getting anything out of the group. I said I was and gave an example. One of the leaders of the group was curious what brought that question up, and the answer was that while maybe they couldn't read me that well yet, that I didn't seem to express much emotions. That got me feeling defensive. I've started to notice that people tend to evoke feelings in others like this when they're touching on an issue or insecurity of the other person, so I think I need to explore the source of that in myself.

It was specifically mentioned that both of the others had got upset and cried at times I have not. My immediate reaction was that I am a guy, and it is hard to make me cry, but that I had felt emotions and sadness well up hearing them talk about what they were dealing with. I know that talk about not noticing emotion in me touches a nerve with me. I am analytical. Also, I fear that I come off as not emotional or feeling when I am not anxious or upset/angry. My tendency to argue and times that I am quick to anger feels like it comes from parents and ethnicity, I think. I don't feel I make as many connections as others, and I wonder if I shouldn't focus on that. I wonder if it would help me to work in a more people focused job or at least a job where there are more people in my department.

I mostly felt ok during the meeting. After the meeting, I had planned to run and didn't. On the way home and at home, I felt anxious and a bit down. Combined with that, my parents talked about going on a long trip for half a year or so, which strangely affected me. I think that may have been related to how I was already feeling. I wasn't feeling great at the time and didn't want to feel there would be less people closely present for me, if needed. It's hard for me to see any progress I have made lately and not feel that everything is the same. I fear a setback, a disappointment, or a fall when I should see hope, room for improvement, and progress. Thinking the negative thoughts does not make the positive results I hope for any more likely and may marginally make the thing I fear slightly more likely to happen.

Black and white thinking when life's mostly gray

I find myself frequently thinking of things as being black and white, either/or, true or false, or right or wrong. Some psychologists refer to this as dichotomous thinking. I find myself jumping to conclusions and thinking in terms of extremes.

I was feeling anxiety this morning, in getting up and going to work, and thinking about work. I have very mixed feelings about work, and it is hard for me to tell which parts of how I am feeling have to do with work itself, which have to do with anxiety about work, and which have to do with my anxiety in general. I am not sure if I am satisfied with the work I'm doing, the type of work, and/or my career. Assuming I was happy with the type of work I am doing, I am not sure if I want to continue to work with my current employer.

These types of thoughts are normal. I have had these thoughts before and have decided I actually liked what I was doing and was just going through a phase. I know other people have these feelings to from time to time. In my head, these thoughts go to a strange place. I picture myself quitting, needing to quit, or being fired. I picture myself wanting to find another job but not being able to. I picture myself taking a short break and then not being able to motivate myself to start working again. I picture changing jobs, regretting the decision, and not being able to go back. I am also worried about letting people down - my current employer, my family, myself.

One of the more stark parts of this discussion for me is that while I am thinking that dissatisfaction now means I have to quit and not having another job lined up means I couldn't find a job, I am living with being dissatisfied with work but still going and not quitting but thinking about and looking for other opportunities, at times with more or less effort being put forth. In other words, I am thinking black and white but living gray. I see a lot of people around me living gray. I don't know how to internalize gray thinking though.

Sleepy anxiety, why this time?

I wasn't able to get to sleep at a reasonable time last night. In the past, I would have problems getting to sleep, particularly on Sunday evenings before school or work but not recently. I think I can attribute my trouble sleeping this time to bad sleeping pattern Friday and Saturday. The Kindle HDX (7") I purchased arrived Friday, and I stayed up late playing with it. As a result, I slept in Saturday. Late Saturday evening I went on a run and didn't get to sleep until late (early the next morning), so I napped Sunday. Sunday evening, I tried doing things like walking, drinking tea, and taking a little sleeping medicine, but it didn't help. I was trying to read a book to get to sleep, but it had to do with anxiety, which may have not been a great idea either. Also, I have a habit or using electronic devices before or in bed.

As a result, I didn't want to wake up this morning. I was sleepy during the day and was anxious about feeling tired, but I had a lot to do today. I had anxiety/worry/fear about how I was feeling today, which was making me feel worse. I was also worried I was starting a pattern or cycle of having trouble sleeping and feeling anxious. I tried to correct my thinking. Having a few days of bad sleep does not mean I will keep having trouble sleeping. Feeling anxious due a lack of sleep is just that, feeling anxious due to a lack of sleep. It does not imply a pattern of upcoming anxiety or a resumption of a anxious cycle. These are all things I can live through without much trouble. Others have lived through much worse. I have lived through worse.

Issues around sleep are among my first memories of anxiety and panic. Maybe I haven't really gotten over it. I've read that a current line of thinking regarding children with anxiety is that a parent should teach the child that it is ok to feel anxious, be present for the child (to show they're not alone), make them feel safe feeling that way, empathize, and help teach them while uncomfortable, they can pass through these feelings (or float through them, as Dr. Claire Weekes might have said). That said, I may have gotten this initial message but was a difficult case. I remember worrying that I couldn't sleep, worrying how I would feel the next morning. I worried that I wouldn't be able to function the next day and wouldn't be able to wake up. I felt very aware of time, noting if I feel asleep "now", I would only get a certain number of hours of sleep, and as time passed, my worrying would get worse. I felt alone and panicky. Sometimes I would get panicky, want to get up and walk around, but just end up pacing. I felt like I was the only one feeling that way. Perhaps against good messages, I also got messages that I should just go to bed, not worry about it, and stop making a big deal about it (for goodness sake). Others needed to sleep too.

And I really need to go to sleep now before I set myself up for a repeat performance.